Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Pains of Getting Older

The older I get, the more I hate myself. Has aging always been this closely tied to self-loathing? Year after year, the regrets in life continue to pile up and eventually they'll all crush me like an insect. What is a man to do with these regrets? Does he cast them aside and forgets about them? Does he write them off as something that was not meant to be or something that was not possible or prudent at the time? Or does he carry them around, an eternal reminder of where he could have ended up if he had just had a little more __________? Really anything could fit in there, as many circumstances are different and what you need a little more of varies with time to time.
In different times, I have needed more motivation. Actually, in a lot of times, I have needed more motivation. There is no manual to living your life. You aren't assigned homework but I kind of wished it was. If everything good in life came from doing your homework, I'd be living in the Caribbean in a million dollar beach house, one of those lucky few who got to retire at the age of 30. But it doesn't work like that. The most important and rewarding things in life, you have to make happen for yourself. And for me, that has been really hard to learn. I think I'm still learning it now.
In other times, I have needed more courage. I've often heard it said, "A loser is someone who is too afraid to try because they might fail." I am guilty of this. So, many regrets of mine stem from this simple truth, of times where all I had to do was talk to someone, whether it was to ask someone to do something for me or to let someone know that I was angry with them or sad because of them. But I always chickened out because I was too afraid. I've always avoided confrontation. I'm not sure why. But I am sure, that avoiding it has gotten me nowhere, and because I avoided it, I was only more miserable. Courage is something that can be really elusive because when we think of the word, we immediately think of courage in battle. The hardest courage that a person can learn to have, however, is the one that ultimately will serve you best in life. None of us will ever see battle (God-willing), but we will all have to confront people for their wrongdoing or even if we simply need to ask someone for something from time to time.
There are tons more that I need a little more of but I won't bore you with them. I really do wonder where any of us would be if we had just had a little more of that little extra something at the right place at the right time. These regrets are the ones we have to live with. I'm not sure when it happened but somewhere along the line, life decided to step on the gas. Yesterday, I was 19, tomorrow I'll be 37 and by the end of the year I'll be six feet under. I'm absolutely shocked that it is already the fall of this year. I have no idea where the time went. If it gets any faster, I just might never get around to actually living my life.

6 comments:

Delirious said...

I hate to break it to you, but you aren't old. ;) Try pushing 50! You know how sometimes you sign up for something online, and it gives you a choice for which year you were born? I have to scroll WAY down the list to find my year! Your problem isn't getting old...it's that you are still young and haven't found your niche yet. It's hard to jump from being student, to being career man. I think most important is knowing what you want out of life. It's hard to know where to go and what to do unless you have clear goals. I never had a clear goal in my schooling, so I never graduated from college. I think if I had really thought about what I wanted to do with my life, I would have chosen a career, and would have graduated. Ii know I'm getting older, but I could still graduate if I wanted to. Maybe I'll still try. As my husband always says, "We have all the time in the world." :)

Nene said...

I agree with Delirious that you are SO not old. However, I do feel that you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. First you ought to acknowledge that it is a little depressing to go as long as you have without a job. But you also should acknowledge that you can change that. I know you have applied at a lot of places. Lots and lots. Go back to some of those places. Where do YOU want to work? Go there. Hound these people and make them give you a job. Wherever you end up, just remember you don't have to stay there the rest of your life. You just have to get your foot in the door. Then you will have experience and will have a more variety of places to go. It almost doesn't even matter at this point where you go. I've known tons of people who had great jobs that had nothing to do with their actual college degree. Just get out everyday and go to at least 3 places. Then make sure you call back check up if they even looked at your resume. And know that you have a LOT of people praying for you. But that's all we can do is pray. We have confidence in you and know that you can do this. Once you get a job you will prove yourself. Everyone that has ever worked with you knows you are a good and hard worker. Don't worry about the long-term career. Just find something for now, and the Lord will guide you to where you need to be.

Amber said...

There are two things that I have learned as I've gotten older - the older you get the faster time flies. Also, I think you're having a quarter-of-a-life crisis (I had one at 25) - but don't worry it'll pass, I think finally at some point you realize that life is just life and mostly you're just along for the ride, make the most of what you have, be happy for what you're given, and enjoy it - it's not all that hard and really if you just stop worrying about making everyone else happy and worry more about making YOU happy (within reason of course), you'll find things get alot easier.

Bullet for Babs said...

Mom, I appreciate your comments but everytime I write a blog, I'm not secretly talking about not having a job. :)

Inklings said...

Try pushing 60. :0s "They" say that life is what happens to you while you are making other plans. So true.

Stace-Ghost said...

Time really does fly. As of today I have two months until I am 27 (scary!!). I feel like a 18 year old in a 27 year old's body. I sometimes think to myself, "how in the world am I capable of teaching high school? I still think and act like one!!" and I still get freaked out at the prospect of having kids, buying a house, and other things that just come with growing up. Life is just happening too fast!!