The older I get, the more I hate myself. Has aging always been this closely tied to self-loathing? Year after year, the regrets in life continue to pile up and eventually they'll all crush me like an insect. What is a man to do with these regrets? Does he cast them aside and forgets about them? Does he write them off as something that was not meant to be or something that was not possible or prudent at the time? Or does he carry them around, an eternal reminder of where he could have ended up if he had just had a little more __________? Really anything could fit in there, as many circumstances are different and what you need a little more of varies with time to time.
In different times, I have needed more motivation. Actually, in a lot of times, I have needed more motivation. There is no manual to living your life. You aren't assigned homework but I kind of wished it was. If everything good in life came from doing your homework, I'd be living in the Caribbean in a million dollar beach house, one of those lucky few who got to retire at the age of 30. But it doesn't work like that. The most important and rewarding things in life, you have to make happen for yourself. And for me, that has been really hard to learn. I think I'm still learning it now.
In other times, I have needed more courage. I've often heard it said, "A loser is someone who is too afraid to try because they might fail." I am guilty of this. So, many regrets of mine stem from this simple truth, of times where all I had to do was talk to someone, whether it was to ask someone to do something for me or to let someone know that I was angry with them or sad because of them. But I always chickened out because I was too afraid. I've always avoided confrontation. I'm not sure why. But I am sure, that avoiding it has gotten me nowhere, and because I avoided it, I was only more miserable. Courage is something that can be really elusive because when we think of the word, we immediately think of courage in battle. The hardest courage that a person can learn to have, however, is the one that ultimately will serve you best in life. None of us will ever see battle (God-willing), but we will all have to confront people for their wrongdoing or even if we simply need to ask someone for something from time to time.
There are tons more that I need a little more of but I won't bore you with them. I really do wonder where any of us would be if we had just had a little more of that little extra something at the right place at the right time. These regrets are the ones we have to live with. I'm not sure when it happened but somewhere along the line, life decided to step on the gas. Yesterday, I was 19, tomorrow I'll be 37 and by the end of the year I'll be six feet under. I'm absolutely shocked that it is already the fall of this year. I have no idea where the time went. If it gets any faster, I just might never get around to actually living my life.